I cannot remember what this was in reference to

written end of 2009!? Shit thank god I’ve become a better writer since then (not a better pianist though :.(

Still, I might do something with this later and this blog or what have you is for me and you :.)

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you are living in this life of yours and I am in the corner 
I am in the corner watching this new life of yours begin
every few months I take a snapshot and I always destroy the film
afterwards, thinking having no record will make this new present less real. 
but it doesn’t. 
I take pictures because I’m not doing anything
you are acting you are doing
I am watching, I am washed over by your life
enveloped in it. 
You handle the entire conversation at dinner
and I am watching still. 
I talk and mumble and I cannot even hear what I am saying. 
no one is listening and everyone is talking at each other
like in a movie. but less polished
no one knows their lines, it’s amazing whole words are even making z
it out and aren’t swallows by my esophagus. 
I don’t want this, I want to go back to 
pine breakfronts. back when tv’s were big, when there had to be Something 
there to support them, something substantial. 
Because in that life there is me, and you are upstairs, you are doing 
whatever you were doing, maybe washing the dishes, or watching 
Charlie rose or something like this. 
in this life I am Doing, and Dad is watching, he is loving every moment of it. 

every pirouette. cascading silhouettes

but at the dinner table i am doing nothing. 
at the movies I am doing nothing
you two are watching intently, ferociously. 

I want to gag. 

But I give up, indifferent. let the whole scene wash over me
like a piano falling from the sky.